Mental Illness Doesn't Discriminate

As the world was shocked and stunned of Robin Williams death I thought about the mental illness that drove him to commit suicide.

I also thought about our son who is also bipolar. How we got him though his teen years. The whole family did. We knew the risk and we were extra diligent in making sure he was stable. I think I still do.

I know as a teen growing up my bipolar caused me to be suicidal. I was able to hide it well. I also had this block that made sure I didn't go though with it. One night I did though. My Mother by the grace of her intuition knew something was wrong and was able to stop me. Was I weak then? I don't really know. The carbon monoxide took a lot of my memory. But when I heard about Robin Williams I had flashbacks. Like demons coming out of the closet to tell you "guess what we are still here". Yes thanks a lot for that.

We all have our demons to deal with. Depression is the hardest one. It has impacted my family in more ways then one. Impacted it very deeply. From some out of the blue knowledge I learned to control my bipolar. I know when I get depressed if it is internal (chemical imbalance) or external (something in every day life).  I am not on any meds for it. Goddess knows I was on enough as a kid. Plus when they tried to put me on something my moods went up and down like a roller coaster. To the point in which I was literally crying over split milk. I felt horrible. I feel I need to rephrase that I FELT HORRIBLE! Ok there that is better. My doctor said try it for a few more days well I told the doctor where to sick it. They decided to try medication for my depression after the carbon monoxide. I told them I did not need a mood stabilizing medication. I was fine I knew why I was upset. I had carbon monoxide poisoning and from here on out my life was going to be one big rock in my path. I also had a doctor that let all my health deteriorate for the 4 years that he decided there are no after effects of carbon monoxide poisoning. Yes, well that was that.  So yes I was depressed.

Control was a big part of it and resilience. I wish I was able to teach our son that. But , we have tried. Right now he is 24 but since he functions 8-14 we still have a teen and we still have to be vilagent.

Today when he found out Robin Williams died he says "How can he be depressed? He is rich". I told him Depression doesn't discriminate. Rich, poor, black, white it doesn't matter. That is what I keep telling you when you say I would be happy if I was rich. I told him as he is now he is never satisfied with anything and it would be that way if you were rich. It doesn't matter who you are you are not immune to depression.

I told him sadly our family knows that all to well. Maybe that is why I walk on eggshells daily to keep him stable. Do I think he would do that? No and it is for one reason and one reason alone, that is that he knew someone very close to him who is no longer around. Except in spirit. He is always there watching him and making sure he is ok.

Being depressed isn't just a state of mind. People tell you to get up snap out of it. But, sadly for some their mind is only surrounded in a deep dark abyss. In their mind everything around them is wrong, negative or just not worth it anymore. It is hard to reach people when they are like that.

The important thing we need to do is to celebrate live and be vilagent of people around us and their suffering and depression. To not let it get to the deep abyss. We ourselves also need to understand when we need help and to get it. Many of use are still in the stereotype of being weak if they ask for help You need to understand your weakness will lead to strength. You just have to take the first step.

Another Outburst...Thought We Were Doing Fine

My son is 23 yeard old and functions between 8-14. His diagnosis is bipolar, mild adhd and oppositional defiance disorder. I am thinking some autism and borderline personality disorder at this point as well.  Adding to his problems the no child left behind act left him educationally behind. His grade level was between K-1 when they graduated him high school level. Stopping him from being able to go back to school. He has major outbursts. This evening was one.

Another outburst this evening. We had been doing fine so I thought. It started like any other day. He got up and was barely awake and his conversation was already adding to his growing list of material things. If I was a millionaire I still wouldn't be able to buy his growing list. Then the game clan that by the way I need to build ASAP. Have we forgotten I have real world things to do like chores, laundry and cleaning house and oh working. No what he wants us supposed to come first.

Ok well the rest of the day was fine. I was taking a nap until hr woke me up due to a crisis. His brand new laptop is lagging and since I know 'everything' about computers I need to fix it. Just did the other day. Nothing wrong with it. But since it doesn't have the speed of a NASCAR then it is broken. Told him stop running so many programs at once...well he has to. So I told him it will stay lagging.

Go downstairs to let the dogs out, check the laundry and wash dishes. I hear his bed bounce, bounce, bounce...crash...great I am thinking he broke the bed again. My son believes the bed is a bouncing house from the moon. Stomp, stomp, stomp Mom my bed just broke. I bumped into it. Should have just said fine, but my parental side stepped in...darn no I have to say I heard him jumping on it. With him denying it with the I cannot tell a lie smirk.

But the furniture is cheap. Hmm do you want to see the bill? We can have it fixed..no not doing that I will just sleep on it as is. Forgets bed isn't even paid off yet. In the mist of argument I tell him the bed is not a trampoline. Again well it is your fault for not buying me one. Apparently I have this never-ending bank account. Sure. Tell him I am going disassemble the bed and just put the mattress on the floor. That is also broke was brand new but that is another story.

Then the whole so and so has this and that and I don't so I am a loser. Stop comparing yourself to those with material things. You can't take them with you they aren't things and they don't make you better. I give up and storms out of my room. Yes my room privacy doesn't fly when he is flying off the handle.

Ended up being a night long blow up where he ended up slapping himself in the face numerous times. Never wakes him up to reality so I really wish he would stop doing it. Then after I think all has calmed he comes in an shows me scratched up arms. Stupid me thought he may be coming into apologize. Oh wait I was daydreaming that. He tells me this is how I handle my anger. I said really...seriously. There are better ways to handle anger then having a tantrum at 23. He just stands there well it is your fault you do nothing to take care of me. Really again...want to see more receipts..why me....his guilt trips should be in the book of worlds records.

Has another fit after I tell hubby what he did when he calls. I tell hubby to pick up KFC he has been asking for it for days. We another blow up cause I happen to ask hubby for bail money. Code word there is a problem and wife is stressed with son. So another tirad..neither of us care and he isn't eating. This is why he wants to move out. Thinking wow I gave up what I wanted to eat for you. Didn't say it but I think he knew I was thinking it. Gave him his night meds and he stomped of into his room slammed the door and told me he was going to bed.

Don't know what to do. Just when I think things are figured out with him bang he explodes for no reason. Well he feels he has a reason. Have tried to teach him life doesn't revolve around what you have but, who you are and how you treat others. No he says my life revolves around what I don't have and everyone else does.

Can I say I am dreading when he wakes up in the am?