Confirmation...NOT

I sat in a church from about 5th grade to 8th grade. It was tiring, boring and to me pointless. I seemed to tune out on what the priest was saying. Almost every day was a holy day, a saints day, worship Mary day. You get the picture. I sometimes wondered if we were there to learn or just live in the cold building with the energy of nothing. Yeah nothing cold distant energy.

I could never relate to the whole episode. Stand up, sit down, stand up, kneel etc. Seriously must of been their way of controling us then. I sat I was bored. The hymns made me feel empty.
This went on until 8th grade. We were being groomed to confirm being Catholic soon. Well the more we dove into the bible the more questions I had. Many unanswered due to the content of my questions being misconstrued as blasphemy. I started questioning everything. Things just started to not fit. Not that they fit before but, this was different. I don't know if it was cause my psychic energy had started to expand or just I didn't feel connected. I realized I never had. I was being ushered onto a practice that I had doubts about. The more why questions I had and were either answered or unanswered seemed to take me into soul searching. It was a different type of soul searching. It was as if I knew I didn't belong there and I realized deeply that I wasn't Catholic I didn't believe in all the things that were being shoved down our throat. The confession crap, the going to chuch every day, all of it. I don't mean to call it crap to Catholics but that is how I felt.

We were working on our lessons for confirmation, going to rehearsals etc..  I would stare at the book and I would just feel pain. I couldn't do this. It didnt feel right. I went home that day and was in a tug of war with what I had been taught and what I felt was in my heart. I just knew what I was about to do was wrong. I don't quite remember how I told my parents or the school. I know I lost a lot of friends. I was sort of treated like an outcast because of my choice. My parents were supportive. My Gram who is Catholic wasn't to pleased. But I had to do what I felt was right.

On the day of confirming I of course stayed home. So much for schoolwork another religious event came first. Well I was still torn at my choice because I had upset my Gram. But it was my choice really not anyone else's.

I walked down the street. My school was just across from my house. I stood by a tree. I felt energy from the tree. Live energy bursting with just I will never be able to describe it. It was just something you feel. I stood by the tree or sat don't remember and I watched my classmates walk into the church. I felt sadness for them. Sadness that they didn't know there was something else out there to know and explore. Then pity..I didn't understand the pity feeling. But, over the years and learning more about the Catholic church I now know why I felt that way.

It was that day and that moment where I chose my path. If you are ever in doubt of anything, you should never go through with it. Follow your heart, your mind and your dreams. No one elses.