Battles

Sometimes we are told to choose our battles. What happens when the battle chooses us and we have no say in it. I have fought a daily fight with my health since December of 2002. It is when we bought our home and moved in. Nothing was too out of the ordinary. It was a century home and needed some work. All homes do. My battle began around Christmas Eve when I started to get sick. Headaches, dizziness just felt like I had the flu. Sadly come to find out months later I would wish from that day on it was the flu it was carbon monoxide poisoning and I was slowly dying from it. No one knew, not me, not my doctor, no one. It is the silent killer for a reason it goes so undetected. Even by the medical field.

My battle (that was handed to me on a silver platter) has been fighting this and all the after effects. There are many, more then you may think.

Today I wondered about choosing your battles and whether or not this battle can ever be truly won. I am alive some people would say. To them I would tell them that is the smallest part of the battle being alive. Keeping it that way is a nightmare. Doctors, therapy, medications, more diagnosis, then more doctors more medications, more therapy. Week in week out. It is amazing I haven't lost my sanity. I have been pushed pretty close toward it already.

But day in day out I fight this battle against my own body. I wonder some days how my body is dealing with this fight. I wonder how much more it can deal with before it truly breaks. I feel broken more now then I did when this first started broken, shut down... I am not depressed about it for it is something I have lived with for so long and my studies at least keep me balanced but fighting a losing battle is what is stating to occur to me. This is a battle I will never win. Sure I have life that is my won some would say but truly I don't feel it as a win. Winning your life should not have to come with a price. Fighting a battle shouldn't still kill you in the end. But this one will. I am not afraid of dying been to the other side been connected to it when I was a kid. I don't want to die now though. I have much to live for my family, my friends, my clients and whomever else I encounter to be guided to help.

I can help heal and give advice to others. People have told me how much better they feel cause of me. I have discovered over the years my amazing gift has grown and expanded with my illness because of it. I have a better connection to those who are ill and fighting a battle like me. I have a degree of being an empath that I never knew was possible. To be truly and connected to people. People I don't know people who are strangers who become my closest friends that I consider family.  Because of this illness and because of what I am going though. This is what keeps me going.

People tell me they wish they can do something to make me feel better. My job on this planet is to help others. To guide others, to help them see. If being a wounded warrior allows me to do that then so be it. It is my battle one I wss handed. It is and will be a losing one, but it is one I will still fight. I have my family (mainly my Mom who truly I think I one of the things that give me what I need to continue this battle), my close familylike friends (and you all know who you are), and clients who I meet who keep me going and keep me fighting this losing battle.